ASSERTIVE SKILLS

       Let us examine some interaction scenarios that take place continually.

Scenario 1  :   A Life insurance agent conversing with a prospective client

 Agent  :  I do not do life insurance for less than 2 lakhs. It is essential that the insurance be of minimum 2 lakhs . That is the process of reducing your taxes and enhancing savings.
 Customer  :  I  can  only afford an insurance cover of 1 lakh.
 Agent  :  No, No ,  then you would save very less. It won't help. Please be satisfied that I am only asking you to get your insurance and am not insisting of one for your family members.
 Customer  :  O.K. , but I will pay quarterly.
 
    The customer thereafter worried about the payment of the premium , his financial position and the unjustifiability of the agent's attitude. Such kind of scenarios are common in our day to day lives.
 
 The lack of assertiveness on the part of the customer , resulted in a lose- win situation. The resultant stress and sleepless nights would have been avoided if the customer had taken care of  his own rights by specifying his requirements.

 The term "Assertiveness" is often confused with "Aggressiveness " . When a person takes care of  his own rights as well as those of the other person , he/she is termed 'assertive'. On the other hand , when a person takes care of  his  own rights and tramples over the rights of the other person , he / she is termed aggressive. Thus , assertiveness results in win - win situations  while aggressiveness results in win - lose situations. The insurance agent's behaviour in the case cited above , was clearly aggressive. Such an interaction pattern is bound to result in a lose - lose situation over a period of time.
 Though the customer may  pay the insurance premium on time , the resultant  bad feelings would be hard to forget and would surface sooner or later. The least amount of negative effect would be that the customer would not give any new business to the Insurance Agent.
 
 The interaction patterns in such situations can be aggressive , assertive or passive.

When a person pays more attention to the rights of others and  ignores his own rights / feelings / emotions , he / she  is termed "Passive".
 This invariably results in lose - win situations. If this continues for a long period of time , either the person becomes a  doormat or one day he / she explodes. with anger and aggression. Then , the person jumps from being "Passive" to "Aggressive".
 The sad part is that both interaction patterns would invariably result in lose - lose situations.
 Let me cite a work life example here . The names have been changed to hide their identity. Shyam was working in the HR Department of a Textile Company . He was feeling extremely upset because his new boss was not involving him in key discussions. Additionally , Increments had just happened and Shyam had discovered , to his consternation , that a new recruit was getting the same salary as he was , though he had joined the firm 3 years earlier. One day , Shyam observed his boss emerging after a cosy tee-ta-tet with the Executive Assistant of the CMD regarding Training strategy.
 Feeling black with anger , Shyam decided that it was time to  have a showdown with his boss. Then , Shyam went into his boss's office and bluntly pointed out the weaknesses in his leadership. The boss took this negatively .This resulted in mounting animosity between the two.
 On analysing this case , we discover that though Shyam was feeling that his rights were being ignored , he continued to be passive over a period of time.  Then , one day the bubble burst and Shyam transcended from "Passive" to "Aggressive" behavior. Without  realizing it , Shyam ignored the rights of his boss. Thus , he moved from  "Lose- win" to "Win - lose". The resultant animosity between the two not only made them less effective but also reduced the performance of the entire department  (Lose - Lose ) .
 On the other hand , a "assertive"interaction by Shyam could have resulted in the removal of  his grievances. After creating a background  of support for the other person  , describe the situation and follow it up with your feelings and expectations. Just like a ball of dough needs to be supported  before being rolled into a chapatti , the background support for the other person is necessary during assertive behaviour. This prevents the deterioration of the interaction into win - lose.

 Assertive Response in Shyam's Case  :  Sir , you have been supportive at times . I am feeling a little "Upset". Over the last few days , I have observed that I have not been involved in "Training Strategy" discussions. Since , I have been involved in the past , I am feeling left out and that my job has been reduced.
  I would like to be involved in such discussions.
Such a response would have unleashed positive rather than negative energy in Shyam's boss & could have been the starting point of emerging openness & synergy between the two.
 Assertive skills  are required in all facets of life. The requirements may range from "Interaction with your superior" to "Interaction during daily purchases at the store" to "Interactions with a salesman during a hard sell".
 I have noticed that whenever during such interactions "passive" or "aggressive" behaviour occurs , bad feelings are invariably the outcome. If these bad feelings continue to accumulate , the pressure cooker of "emotions" is bound to blow sooner or later.
 

  In order to remove these blocks , one needs to realize that one's feelings or emotions or thoughts are as important as anyone else's and need to be expressed. If  one does not do so , he / she not only does himself or herself an injustice but also reinforces the negative aggressive behaviour of the other person.
 However , it is important to understand the importance of empathy and support for the other person during the process of assertiveness.
 A lot of  people fail to assert themselves because of fear. More often than not , such feelings do not have any basis and require close examination by  the person experiencing them. The causes could be childhood based experiences or rules , which may not be valid anymore.
 There is requirement of a self - analysis of the various situations , which a person has gone through , in which the Dominant  Interaction has been either "Passive " or "Aggressive".
 The crystallization of the "Cause" and "Effect" based upon personal experiences would enable skill development.
 
 The practicing of the desired assertive interaction with a trusted friend would trigger the development of the skill. An Investment of time in this development would not only help us perform better but would also pay rich dividends in the form of "Fulfillment" and the incidence of "Being at peace with oneself".
 The incidence of "Passive" behaviour and acceptance seems to be widely prevalent in our society. Over the ages , it has become embedded in our psyche resulting in our acceptance of different kinds of autocratic behaviour. This is visible in the folded hand approach visible in people , when they are meeting bureaucrats , politicians or anybody in power.
 This incidence of "Passive " behaviour will continue till , we keep on exhorting and expecting blind submission from our children at home and in school.